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Be Prepared for the Funeral and After
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When author Amy Levine’s sister, Laura, died suddenly, Levine had to
figure out what needed to be done immediately. Her sister died in a city
across the country, and the first stumbling block was bringing her
sister’s body home. Before she could do that, she was told she would
have to find a funeral home, so in the middle of the night in a strange
city, she found herself desperately Googling funeral homes.
That’s just one piece of information she found out the hard way, and in a
time when she was in shock and grief, barely able to function. Like 65
percent of Americans, her sister had never drafted a will, so the family
didn’t know Laura’s wishes about distributing her assets. In fact,
Levine’s family didn’t even know what her sister’s assets were.
After getting a crash course in what to do after losing a loved one,
Levine, a producer and creative director for TV and media, was
determined that others shouldn’t have to go through what she and her
family did. The result is the e-book The Funeral Is Just the Beginning: Everything You Need to Do When a Loved One Dies.
Funeral Planning Checklist
- Determine if your loved one’s funeral wishes are known
- Select a funeral provider
- Select a type of service
- Select a type of viewing if there is to be one
- Decide on an open or closed casket
- Purchase a casket
- Purchase a cemetery plot
- Choose an officiant
- Choose a minimum of six pallbearers
- Select who will speak or read during the ceremony
- Select readings and music for the ceremony
- Prepare and print funeral programs
- Write and submit the obituary
(From The Funeral Is Just the Beginning: Everything You Need to Do When a Loved One Dies.)
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Negotiating with Funeral Providers
Most seniors are better prepared than the general population for the
inevitable, but even the most prepared will be surprised by some of what
Levine discovered, such as your rights at a funeral home. In fact, she
devotes three chapters to dealing with funeral service providers. One
reason is that funerals are “an important ritual, society’s way of
dealing with and saying goodbye to a loved one,” Levine says. A funeral
is the third largest expense most families will have in a lifetime,
after a home and a car, according the Federal Trade Commission (FTC).
The topic is so fraught with misinformation that the FTC issued a
Funeral Rule, stating the regulations that funeral and service providers
must adhere to, including clarity about costs.
Levine compares choosing a funeral home to buying a car; in both cases
you should do your research and be prepared to deal with high-pressure
sales tactics. For example, funeral service providers often use the term
“traditional,” such as “it’s traditional to have six wreaths around the
casket,” when in actuality the wreaths are optional and not a required
part of the service.
Funeral homes are a $15 billion industry, with funeral costs averaging
$7,500. Though many funeral providers are honest, some manipulate
grieving friends and family into buying a bigger casket than originally
planned, with suggestions that, “I’m sure you want the best for your
loved one.” Says Levine: “People think, ‘I want to give my loved one a
casket worthy of their value to me,’ but there’s no way to do that.”
Another tactic that some funeral homes use to get the family to upgrade
the funeral package is to call and ask the family to come and identify
the body, even though most funeral homes have procedures in place to
ensure it’s the right body. But the face-to-face contact provides
funeral personnel with another selling opportunity.
Distributing the Deceased’s Assets
As Levine notes, the funeral is just the beginning. The process of
settling affairs can take between six months and a year. Survivors must
make mandatory death notifications, list the deceased’s assets, file
taxes and clean out the person’s residence, just to name a few necessary
tasks.
One of the more complicated and lengthy duties is distributing the
deceased’s assets, with different avenues if there is a will and if
there isn’t one. However, all estates must go through probate court,
unless the estate is worth less than $50,000 (figure may vary by state),
in which case you can file a Small Estate Affidavit to avoid probate
court. Although you can deal with the probate court yourself, without
hiring an attorney, Levine compares it to being able to learn how to
replace the transmission in your car: It could be done, but you would
save a lot of time and energy by having a professional do it for you.
The personal representative for the estate, also known as executor, is
either named in the will or, if there is no will, by the court. His or
her responsibilities are many, including collecting inventory and
appraising the deceased’s assets, paying off the deceased’s debts and
taxes (from the estate) and distributing the remaining assets to the
proper parties.
If a trust has been set up, the process is easier. In this case, the
trust names the trustee, who is given the responsibilities of dealing
with the deceased’s estate. Because estate laws vary by state, Levine
recommends consulting an attorney before you begin the process. She also
suggests how to find a lawyer and which documents you should bring to
your first meeting, including the deceased’s bank and credit card
accounts and balances, a list of personal property, health insurance
policy information and real estate holdings.
Dealing with Insensitive Companies
Survivors must record all property and assets as part of the estate,
which means you need to get the necessary information from banking,
credit card, mortgage, utility and investments companies, to name a few.
This process proved to be one of the hardest for Levine. “What happens
is you’re brokenhearted, in shock, talking to people who are not kind
and telling them the most intimate issues” about your loved one and
his/her death.
In closing her sister’s accounts, Levine found that the company
representatives were either indifferent or cruel, with one exception (a
company that actually sent a condolence card). Her father had a
conversation with one cell provider representative who insisted that her
father couldn’t close the account because only the deceased could do
that. She recounts the conversation:
“She’s dead. I have her death certificate.”
“I understand that sir, but technically we will need her to close the account.”
“She’s dead. I’m her father. I can send you her death certificate.”
“Sir, that’s our policy.”
“But it doesn’t make any sense. She’s dead.”
“I understand that, sir. But she has to close the account herself.”
“Fine. You can send her bill to the cemetery.”
As Levine says, no grieving parent should ever have a conversation like that about his or her child.
In some way or other, that conversation was repeated with other account
representatives. “What astonishes me is surely they are dealing with
this every day,” she says. Yet, the representatives are “not trained for
this. . . I felt like we were the first of its kind. They should have a
standard.”
Not only that, but her family was hounded by credit card companies to
pay off Laura’s debts. “Credit card companies will do anything to get
money owed to them,” she says. “Most people don’t realize they’re not
accountable for deceased’s debts.”
She strongly advocates that everyone, young or old, keep records of all
their accounts, including passwords and logins. In fact, Levine is
putting together a workbook that allows people to record vital
information in the event of emergencies. (See also the Information for Life Kit,
a tool that allows seniors to put together a comprehensive compilation
of their personal, legal, medical and financial information.)
If Levine’s family had all that information, they could have closed the
accounts on their own and “could have circumvented clueless personnel”
(although legally you have to notify banks about deaths).
Handling the Grief Process
When it comes to offering comfort to the family and friends of loved
ones, many people are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say or do.
“I’m sorry for your loss” comes across as trite, while some pretend that
it didn’t happen and avoid bringing up the death, Levine says. It was
especially hard when people asked how her sister died. “For me, the
whole thing of having to retell the story was painful. For me, I’m
tearing out my guts having to relive this one more time.” Her advice is
to just show up—whether with a meal, groceries or to just listen: “Is
there anything you want to talk about?”
The book lists Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial,
anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. “My intention was to have
people be able to know that what they’re going through is normal,” she
says. “One day you’re fine, the next ‘I don’t think I can live.’ You
start to doubt yourself. It’s helpful to have signposts. I can recognize
this in me. It’s something you can tether to” so you don’t feel lost.
Beyond all the information she compiled for what to do after a death,
Levine said it’s important to compile pertinent information for your
survivors. “I learned it’s not really about you. The reason you write a
will and how you want to be disposed of is not for you; it’s for the
people and family who have to take care of all this. Think: ‘What’s
going to be easiest for people I love dearly?’“ Preparing for your own
death “alleviates pain and suffering” for those left behind who have to
make hard decisions.
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